I am in a new age relationship.
What does that mean? Why is it relevant? How does it extend from my Asian American identity?
Lets start by talking about The Secret to Desire. (click on the highlighted words to watch a phenomenal ted talk about what does good and committed sex look like)
This is my more American upbringing that says SEX is a huge factor in a relationship. Yes everyone has heard that before. But I am taking that even further. Based on Esther Perel’s talk: the sex has to stay good and committed for a healthy long-term relationship. Now that is the tricky part.
— To accomplish that with my current partner, I am in a New Age Relationship:
It took us a year to realize we deeply care for each other and trust each other which established the groundwork for a strong security in each other. I am his home base and he is mine.
We get to spend very little time physically in each other’s company, we both are busy accomplished adults who have our own world – financially, physically and personally. Realistically some months we see each other only twice ( a couple of hours?).
This allows for us to miss each other. Crave each other. Be motivated to find time for each other.
When we finally do get to be in each other’s company, we understand that sex is about play, naughty, a place we go and share. It is rough. It is intense. It is filled with squirting orgasms on my part. It is adventurous and forbidden: public places, in the car, in the staircase, with other partners.
It is sometimes about domination. My asian culture has taught me well to be subservient. On the other hand: As an Asian American Woman in the corporate work force I have learned well to overcompensate and have a dominant personality in how I talk and present myself. Now with him I get to play at being his sex slave and on other days his dominatrix.
Sex is not taboo my friends, go find that naughty space and own it. It will liberate you. Leave the insecurities, baggage, and questions with the striped off clothes, so you can truly connect with your partner and be bare, intimate.
Now when we are not physically in each other’s presence how do we keep things going? We become the other roles for each other: confidante, friend, family, business advisor, etc… leaving judgement yet again at the door and only allowing acceptance: genuine communication and understanding is what built our relationship so we can have unbridled fun.
Yes, sometimes we have been unfaithful. Sexual attraction can seer us away. Yes, there are situations out of our control that we have to accept and coup with together. Yes, we are brutally honest with each other when somethings just are not working. But no matter what, we are 100% honest and non judging when we speak.
That is the hardest part. We are taught in this city to judge in the milliseconds. It is a constant challenge to own up to judging. It is a constant self reminder to really listen to your partner for how he/she needs you NOT what he/she is saying that is wrong.
Now I came from a single family household – my MOM – she is the religion of our two person family. And like most religions she is extremely judgmental, unforgiving and exclusionary. After her first and only meeting with my partner, she stood up and asked for her business card back.
Judging has led to secrets and lies. It has limited her and I taught myself to question it. To live differently and to try this new age approach to a relationship.
Some might call it lonely, others try to persuade me to believe that it is not a relationship at all, but the reality is:
ONLY YOU and YOUR PARTNER IS IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Do what makes both of you happy and most importantly be there for each other. That is the definition of a partner:
The Asian Girl Next Door 