It has been almost 6 months. According to Sex in the City, I should be over him (ladies – isn’t the recovery period suppose to be the half life of the relationship?) Yet, I am not. I have met wonderful people, I have gone on a couple of dates, I have gotten excited over someone new. But I am not yet over him and I am definitely not ready to move on. I read this great post on thought catalogue: How to Get over a Breakup in Ten Practical Steps. I knew I wasn’t over him when I look back this month and I have been just seeking familiar bodies. The more I missed him the more lonely the world felt. But odd because I have also overcome steps 4-9. I guess this stream of consciousness is just to speak to the fact that getting over someone is a journey with no particular order of steps or designated time. It just happens and is a part of living – so great healing journey that I am on please continue! I look forward to tomorrow another day forward.
The city is once again silenced with a blanket of snow. On my walk home today, the streets are deserted. Only a few pedestrians battled the whipping wind and white flurries, making their way down the avenue. The normal bustling city finally quieted. With a deep breathe of the frigid air, my heart finally did too.
You see my heart has been restless these past couple of days. I met a wonderful new man four days ago now. He is a diamond in the ruff. He captivates me and my heart quickens at the thought of him. However he is not my wishlist, not my expectations, not my wants. Am I even ready to move on? I have just started healing from my last relationship…..
Walking through the snowstorm, quiet and reflective, I could finally separate the pieces and hear everything that has been said. (I have to dedicate this realization to my dear friend who helped me understand the Christian defined difference between spirit and soul. Soul is the emotional being, the will, the mind. The Spirit is faith and connection to a greater natural process, some might even call destiny.)
All the restlessness, the questions came from my soul, it’s confused and wary. The anxiety is keeping me from trusting in my Spirit. Things happen for a reason – but not always the reason that is on my mind. I should not expect that he comes into my life to heal me, or for me to jump into another relationship, or for him to be the one. I can only know that he comes into my life and I am excited for him to be there. Everything else that is vibrating in my soul only powers the racing heart before I send him a text, or give him a call. And that is a beautiful thing, something worth enjoying and treasuring and not rushing to be overlooked, or pushed aside as uncomfortable.
So though my heart finally took a breathe moments ago on Fifth Avenue in the middle of a blizzard, it again palpitates as I think about calling him back and I am happy about it. I am excited and I will take my time enjoying these moments wherever they lead….
hot and heavy (in 8 degree weather) signing off for now…..
How better to start the new year then talking about sex.
During this holiday travels, I watched a bunch of romance movies (let’s call it research). I noticed (1) they have become quite race-y! lots of nude sex scenes! #softcoreporn (2) although super erotic they do a great job of portraying love making vs sex.
Then the epiphany hit me. I love having fun, enjoying sexual play, however do I know how to make love?
I reflected on how I have been socialized to react in bed: eyes closed, body mimicking hard thrusts seen in hardcore porn, and my entire energy is focused on the climb to seeking sexual release (at least better than my asian american sisters, who have trouble reaching orgasm because the only thoughts in their minds are of socialized judgement and disapproval).
However that is not how love making is suppose to be. It about connection, about the partner. The climb of sexual release is sparked by seeing your partner in the throes of ecstasy (#ThankYouErotica) and not physical positioning. It’s about holding each other. It’s about foreplay and emotional intimacy. It’s about simply: not being afraid to look into your partner while having him/her inside of you.
I get it now: #myth guys are suppose to have an easier time having causal sex. Girls are taught to have to have that connection whenever we have sex (biology: eggs vs sperm, disney movies, romance novels etc…) I can imagine it be much harder for me to have causal sex if I am focused on my partner instead of myself every time. In fact, I know I will not be able to.
A part of me is proud that I can have sex like a man (the feminist) the other part (also the feminist…) is worried that I have not learned how to make love. So in this year that I learn to do more self exploration, reflection and diving, I commit to also learning more about making love. Gentleman are you with me? Let’s spend 2014 talking about Love Making not just Sex.
The quote above is taken from another TED talk (do you see a trend) by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. This same quote can be found in Beyonce’s just released self-titled visual album: Beyonce.
“We teach girls to shrink themselves,
to make themselves smaller.
We say to girls,
‘You can have ambition,
but not too much.
You should aim to be successful,
but not too successful.
Otherwise you will threaten the man.’
Because I am female,
I am expected to aspire to marriage.
I am expected to make my life choices
always keeping in mind that
marriage is the most important.
Now marriage can be a source of
joy and love and mutual support.
But why do we teach to aspire to marriage
and we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors –
not for jobs or for accomplishments,
which I think can be a good thing,
but for the attention of men.
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
in the way that boys are.
Feminist: the person who believes in the social,
political and economic equality of the sexes.”
This burst of feminism can not come at a better time for me – a gentle reminder that I should be true to myself.
Because you see my best girl friend is in a beautiful and committed relationship. And today I just found out he asked her to move in with him. (She, like me, a staunch independent is thinking about it and is not committing even though Manhattan rents are ridiculous! )
My other girlfriend was proposed to just last week and sent out a group message to our small girl circle where we asked about the deets and pictures and coo-ed. It was super cute! I am definitely saving that thread for life. It’s a first for me! It’s monumental! My first ever I AM ENGAGED text!
So now the recently single, exiting from a heady relationship with a married man, is feeling quite left out. Can’t you tell already, I am totally the Samantha of the group. Under the peer pressure, and of course my mother’s insistence, I was waiving on my 2014 goal (unlike everyone else I actually take these seriously and commit, 2011 was a success, 2012 was a success and 2013 was a success – I’m on a hot streak 2014 has to also come true). Originally my 2014 goal is to own an asset. (If I am to be independent and my own female, I have to own property.) But I started thinking about 2014: the year to be in a healthy, steady heterosexual relationship that will lead to marriage? (I have my wish list could it be that hard to date as many eligible men in Manhattan until I find a match?)
Then the ever-fabulous Beyonce reminded me, by way of equally fab Chimamanda, that I need not to aspire for marriage when my counterpart at this time is also focused on career. For males, the 20’s are for proving themselves and advancing up the totem pole. If I am looking to marry a male, wouldn’t it make more sense to follow a similar trajectory?
Plus if guys can find their wives at thirty, within the year (or so the myth goes) I can too! So 2014: be my own woman, own my own property – here I come.
I will now shrink or be smaller for my man, my man will just have to be as bright as me ;) (hopefully Manhattan men will have caught up to me by my 30’s) Follow my journey I have a feeling 2024 will not be as easy…..eyah….
I took a break from blogging to collect my thoughts and start the healing process before I bared it to the world wide web. I knew my next post was going to be this one but wanted it to come from the right place with the right message. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. PTSD is the best way to describe the state I was in. The whole experience was so overwhelming and traumatic and there was so much residual facts that I had to face. I had to face the fact that I was jealous that he chose her, but that I wanted him to choose her; that I was the third wheel. I had to face that he felt so good, so heady, but he is not the right one for me. I had face the fact that I returned him to his family and walked away.
And it is hard. And I still miss him. And I love the memories we shared. But I have walked away and he is more and more becoming a piece of my distant past. As I reflect and learn from my past, to become exponentially better – I write this post to share with all of you the 3 lessons I learned.
So. I. Had. An. Affair. With. A. Married. Man.
1. I Learned to Love Myself.
I never thought that this was going to be me. I am a goody-two-shoes. I am socially aware. I am a good person. How is it now suddenly words like: home-wrecker, slut, bitch, (and all the words) can be ascribed to me?
Looking back I learned I am young. I wanted to feel loved and I allowed it to come from anyone as long as I could reciprocate. He was a charmer, a dreamer. He was beautiful and the attraction was so strong; when we were in the same room, strangers around always asked if we were dating, if we were partners, even if we were on opposite sides of the room. Without the surrounding context, we were in a strong, trustful, truthful, relationship.
By then it was too late and when the hate storm started raining on me. You see his wife threw all those words above at me. While, he fought to keep me in his life (A 4 hr long conversation at 1 AM convincing him to stay with his wife and their unborn child, and not leave them for me). My friends didn’t understand. And I couldn’t find my moral compass anymore. In those dark moments I learned to love and trust myself. Instead of letting all that bad energy get to me, I held my head up high (sniffing for redemption), excelled at my career, and built new lasting relationships. I was growing a love affair with myself. When it finally solidified, I found my redemption in walking away.
I am most grateful of him and our past year, because without the dark mire of struggle I would not be able to come out on top. I would not be able to know exactly who I WANT to receive love from and who I find DESERVING to love. I now have my wish list in a partner. I have my north.
2. Your partner and you define your marriage.
I would have never had a relationship with this man if he defined his marriage differently. All relationships are a two way street. Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper legally binding two people to share their income and burden of taxes. It can be done with a drive to your nearest center of sin/gambling and ordained by Elvis. How sacred can it be?
Watching his marriage taught me the reality that most partners come into a relationship assuming a thousand things and do not actually converse and agree upon the relationship norm. Married women out there why would you commit to being a faithful wife, when your husband’s have not yet earned it? Wives, men are dumb, be clear and explain what does faithful include, and not include.
Now throwing the love yourself into the mix, when does the self sacrificing wife ends up being the disrespected mother of his children and no longer the partner? Draw that line for yourself, along with your wish list. That is how I knew I had enough.
3. Be responsible. Be ready to bear the consequences of your actions.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. By choosing to continue with him, I kept him from his family. By choosing to walk away I gave him back. It is not an easy burden to carry the weight that you are keeping a father from his daughter. It is even harder when he begs to see you. When he makes you feel: you are more special. But behind that sweetness is the bitter reality that his time with you is his time away from something else. So even the 3am-5am that you carve out, so that he can miss the least from his family’s life, is still an unfair burden on yourself. So walk away.
I guess the end lesson: the burden of being in love with a married man is just not worth it. Shit happens, people get attached and care, do your best to avoid it and jump out as soon as you know, don’t try to make it work. Do not be afraid to be alone instead.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson
In, this empire state, concrete jungle where dreams are made it gets awfully lonely. During the day it is you against the city, running around people, running with people, and trying to find your people. But when you walk through your home door, close it, and it is just you and the silence of your home – the city stops racing. And in that quiet is the opposite extreme – loneliness.
With all the new attention on young female celebrities acting “inappropriate” like Miley Cyrus or Rihanna, I believe it is just an expression of that collective loneliness our generation experiences from growing up too fast, in a world that is so close yet far away. This week, one of the most common phrases I heard: “I actually don’t have that many friends, just acquaintances.” Because all of us, especially in NYC, have too many focuses for our energy and don’t take the time to make the “Sex and the City” girlfriends. The reality is all of us spend too many hours at work, with responsibilities, to be able to be there for our friends, our love ones every time they need us.
SO what do I do to keep that feeling at bay besides those naughty moments (see the previous post: The New Age Relationship)? Good Friends over good food and drinks. Because good food is able to bring people together, good food brings out the real conversations. And that makes those special tingle-y moments of connection and friendship. those pure moments you store up when you hibernate during the day and through the night.
So this is my stream of consciousness post since I had one of those unstoppable weeks. And my last thought is go watch these to documentaries: #LinsanitytheMovie and #MileytheMovement. It is unbelievable raw. Supporting the reality: hard work makes success.
I am in a new age relationship.
What does that mean? Why is it relevant? How does it extend from my Asian American identity?
Lets start by talking about The Secret to Desire. (click on the highlighted words to watch a phenomenal ted talk about what does good and committed sex look like)
This is my more American upbringing that says SEX is a huge factor in a relationship. Yes everyone has heard that before. But I am taking that even further. Based on Esther Perel’s talk: the sex has to stay good and committed for a healthy long-term relationship. Now that is the tricky part.
– To accomplish that with my current partner, I am in a New Age Relationship:
It took us a year to realize we deeply care for each other and trust each other which established the groundwork for a strong security in each other. I am his home base and he is mine.
We get to spend very little time physically in each other’s company, we both are busy accomplished adults who have our own world – financially, physically and personally. Realistically some months we see each other only twice ( a couple of hours?).
This allows for us to miss each other. Crave each other. Be motivated to find time for each other.
When we finally do get to be in each other’s company, we understand that sex is about play, naughty, a place we go and share. It is rough. It is intense. It is filled with squirting orgasms on my part. It is adventurous and forbidden: public places, in the car, in the staircase, with other partners.
It is sometimes about domination. My asian culture has taught me well to be subservient. On the other hand: As an Asian American Woman in the corporate work force I have learned well to overcompensate and have a dominant personality in how I talk and present myself. Now with him I get to play at being his sex slave and on other days his dominatrix.
Sex is not taboo my friends, go find that naughty space and own it. It will liberate you. Leave the insecurities, baggage, and questions with the striped off clothes, so you can truly connect with your partner and be bare, intimate.
Now when we are not physically in each other’s presence how do we keep things going? We become the other roles for each other: confidante, friend, family, business advisor, etc… leaving judgement yet again at the door and only allowing acceptance: genuine communication and understanding is what built our relationship so we can have unbridled fun.
Yes, sometimes we have been unfaithful. Sexual attraction can seer us away. Yes, there are situations out of our control that we have to accept and coup with together. Yes, we are brutally honest with each other when somethings just are not working. But no matter what, we are 100% honest and non judging when we speak.
That is the hardest part. We are taught in this city to judge in the milliseconds. It is a constant challenge to own up to judging. It is a constant self reminder to really listen to your partner for how he/she needs you NOT what he/she is saying that is wrong.
Now I came from a single family household – my MOM – she is the religion of our two person family. And like most religions she is extremely judgmental, unforgiving and exclusionary. After her first and only meeting with my partner, she stood up and asked for her business card back.
Judging has led to secrets and lies. It has limited her and I taught myself to question it. To live differently and to try this new age approach to a relationship.
Some might call it lonely, others try to persuade me to believe that it is not a relationship at all, but the reality is:
ONLY YOU and YOUR PARTNER IS IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Do what makes both of you happy and most importantly be there for each other. That is the definition of a partner: